Literary Insults

bitchsquealer

it is only respect for your parents that will prevent me from murdering you outright… I would rather eat dog shit full of razor blades than have anything to do with you.

“Obviously,” Tiny is saying, “she’s just a hot smoldering pile of suck.”

Furthermore, you are an asshat. That is all.

he’s as big as a house (and I’m not talking about a poor person’s house either)

- from Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan

If I had a dog with a face like yours, I’d shave its ass and teach it to walk backwards.

I once had a zit that looked like you. Then I popped it. And then it looked even more like you.

This one time, I ate, like, three hot dogs and a bowl of clam chowder, and then I got diarrhea all over the floor, and it looked like you.

And then you ate it.

basement mole rat

- from The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-time Indian by Sherman Alexie

…the Roman cults of Stercorius, Crepitus, and Cloacinus — respectively the divinities of filth, farts, and sewers…

- from The Atheist Manifesto by Michel Onfray

“Roscoe,” Vivi told him, “when I write my memoirs, you will be much more than a marginal character.“

- from Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Rebecca Wells

(That one’s actually a compliment, but I figure it could function equally well as an insult.)

She wanted to say something sensible but knew not how.

- of Mary in Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

From The Shocking History Of Advertising by E. S. Turner

second-rate Dandy
retired slopseller
a fatal attraction for polysyllables

But the most heartfelt and effective insult I’ve heard comes from a Bob Dylan song. It moves me every time:

And I hope that you die
And your death’ll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I’ll watch while you’re lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I’ll stand over your grave
‘Til I’m sure that you’re dead.

- Masters of War