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A Visit From The Bible People

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Some years ago a friend of my mother was charged with the task of looking after someone’s cat while the owners were away. Unable to get into the house, the friend of my mother knocked on the door of the nextdoor neighbour, meaning to ask for a key.

“Don’t worry!” she said, cheerily, knowing how she might look in her work attire, accompanied by a man in similar garb. “We’re not mormons!”

She was met with a stony glare. “You may not be a mormon, but I am.”

I’ve since wondered if that neighbour really was a mormon. It’s sometimes tempting to pretend to be someone you’re not for the very purposes of pulling someone up on their Xism. I’ve thought at times of pretending to be part indigenous, but since I never change from alabaster under the Australian sun, I don’t think I could pull it off.

Here in country Australia, I get a visit from the Bible People once per year. They arrive in a minivan. They are let out near the servo, then they have to walk around the village in pairs weilding pamphlets, and I presume they’re picked up later after at least one of them has been savaged by dogs. There are a lot of dogs in this area. On the few occasions I’ve had to go door-knocking, I’ve vowed (to a non-existent entity) never to do it again. I also thank (someone else’s christ) that I’m not a Seventh Day Adventist or Jehovah’s Witness or similar.

I have a long history with Bible People, and I think it’s because I really enjoy long walks in solitude. Bible People wearing badges love solitary people on foot. We can’t make a hasty departure (at least not without breaking into a trot), and it’s always easier to interrupt the thoughts of a person on her own. (People running stalls in the middle of malls know this. I wonder how many of them have a history of Bible Bashing on their resume. It’s the most appropriate qualification.)

Although I seem to be a Mormon Magnet, I think almost everyone has a somewhat memorable experience with a Bible-wielding door-knocker. (I especially like this one.) In my time I have embodied the entire range of greetings, from door-shuttingly annoyed to, “Hey, I’ll read those pamphlets if you promise to read Richard Dawkins.”

I actually said that two years ago, because I happened to have a copy of The Selfish Gene on my bookshelf. It’s actually a rather dry read compared to his other books, which is probably why I’m offering to give it away. Also, I didn’t have a hard copy of The God Delusion handy. “So do you want me to go and get it?” I asked again.

“Actually,” said the shorter man, “I won’t take your book. I can’t actually read, myself.”

I have to admit, this pulled me up short. Although Australia’s literacy stats aren’t fantastic, it’s not often I come face to face with someone who is by their own admission unable to get through a book. It kind of explained a lot.

Since then I’ve been kinder to the Bible People, even though a bit of kindness will have you standing in the door for upwards half an hour. I have decided to take their pamphlets. At first I thought it was just adding to landfill, but there are a couple of good reasons for taking their literature:

1. It can put an end to a lengthy conversation about god when you really wanted to be scrubbing the shower, because you can say, ‘Oh, do you have any pamphlets? I’d like to take a look at those. Thanks, see you next year.’

2. I’m sure that when I take pamphlets the Bible People don’t feel as if their time is completely wasted. When they get back on their minivan I’m sure they can say quite cheerily, “Well, one woman seemed interested in the pamphlets. That’s a job well done.” (I guess I do feel rather condescendingly sorry for religious people, or at least for those who belong to religions that send their people door-knocking without the vacuum cleaners and commission.)

And what did I do with said pamphlets? I happened to be partway through The Hite Report, and somehow ended up using one of the religious pamphlets as a bookmark. That gives me a cheap chuckle everytime I settle down to read some more about clitorises.

As for the other booklets, I have annotated them thoroughly, and next year, so long as I get the woman who insists she has indeed read the bible, ‘at least seven times, and yes, including the disturbing parts’, I will hand her back her literature, annotated. Because there is a lot wrong with that particular subculture.  Turns out, a lot of what they preach has little to do with anyone’s god and everything to do with blind faith, submissive inequalities and anti-scientific thinking. And dog knows, the world needs less of that.

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